A Sword, A Wand, and Ms. Kitty

Today I had my first tests done to see why the baby making isn’t working.

I went to the doctor’s office where I dazzled them with my knitting skills.  Seriously. While I was waiting the entire office staff was giving me the “ That’s amazing. This chick is knitting and she us under the age of eighty-two” side glance.

Side Note:  I had one lady ask me if I was Amish! She apparently was so distracted by my University of Tennessee themed scarf that she didn’t notice my eyeliner or open toed shoes. I almost said yes.

They took me back to the lab area where they were preparing to take my blood. The point was to see if I had ovulated (this being the 22nd day of my cycle).

The lab tech was a super nice girl that told me all about her son and I told her about iMOM. Normal conversation.

Then, she started asking me advice on what I thought about  her and her boyfriend (former fiancé)  having more kids. He wants them, she doesn’t. My first thought is “ Why do people ask me such random stuff!?” then I made my conclusion that someone in the front office told her I was Amish.

I told her I thought that them getting into a church together  would be a good  first step.  She seemed not to take any offense to this suggestion and even went as far as to say “ That’s a good idea.”

Apparently she said that just to be nice, because she then proceeded to JAM A SWORD INTO MY ARM!

Holy Lord! I’m serious when I say I think the needle was the size of a # 2 pencil. She had to take 3 tubes of blood, so that sword was just hanging there sucking me dry.

Julius Caesar came to mind.

I then went to visit Kitty.  Kitty was the ultrasound tech.  We immediately hit it off because she has no shame.  After I unbuttoned my capris, she rammed her hand in my pants to tuck in the paper sheet to my panties…just make sure no ultrasound jelly got on me. Thanks Kitty.

She is pointing out all my organs.

Ovaries – turns out I have two.

Uterus – properly lined and thick…apparently that is a good thing.

Then she hands me one of these puppies and says “Ok, you can just insert this into yourself”

Where am I inserting this?


I realize I will get over this quickly, but since I have come to visit Dr. Amy’s office I have had four stranger women up in my lady business.

Once the “wand” was inserted I could see all my insides….moving. Very Sigourney Weaver in the movie Alien.

Anywho…Kitty said, as far as anatomy, I looked perfect. She also said, she could tell that even though I had ovulated, I wasn’t pregnant this month (sigh).

That is great and thank you Lord for that blessing, but it leaves me with is zero answers and four more women that have seen me in stirrups.


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