Guns Don’t Kill People, Women That Just Had Internal Exams Kill People.

Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks pregnant. So amazing. I can’t believe we are only 4 weeks way from having a little Bethany in our world.

I knew going into this appointment it would be “uncomfortable” . I had a friend of mine’s mother tell me Saturday, “ OK, so you know the internal exam’s not fun. You know it doesn’t feel good, right?”  I responded with a “Oh yeah, I have heard.”

Apparently I had not heard.

I started having a little anxiety about it  on Sunday, but I keeping going back to the fact that I have MANY friends who have had exams and given birth and all survived.

So this is how it went down:

The Hubs and I went to the doctor this morning. We were scheduled to see Dr. B. She is this tall European looking woman. The Hubs has a crush on her…She has a sense of humor and is beautiful…I get it.

I am naked from the waist down.

She explains she will do cultures (like a pap smear), a Group B strep test, and test for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. At this point,  I am feeling sure I am going to pass at least 2 of the 4 test, Doc.

She says she will then do the internal exam.  I tell her I am not looking forward to it. Dr. B kinda smiles and says, “ Its not fun. But it’s not pain, just a lot of pressure. Basically you feel like I am trying to touch your tonsils from the wrong end”

Ha.    Ha.    Ha. What a jokester that Dr. B is.

Things start going down like she said

  1. Strap me in the stirrups.
  2. “You are going to feel a touch” all very pap smear like.
  3. Group B strep test- BTW…this is a swap of your butthole…I was prepared though.
  4. Now she says she is about to start the internal exam.

I knew I was in trouble when she moved to my right side so she could get a better angle.

This is how is it happened:

Dr. B “ This is going to be a lot of pressure, but not pain. Let me know if you feel pain”

Insert fingers

Insert hand

Insert wrist

Insert elbow

Me “ Ok, so it doesn’t feel good.”

Dr. B “ But it shouldn’t be painful”

Me  “WELL IT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD!”

I seriously have sweat on my brow at this point.

She is talking to me about the baby this whole time…but I am just now able to recall what she said through the threatening banter I had going in my head.

I will not give you a play by play of THAT conversation. Please forgive me Lord.

She leaves the room. See you next week pleasantries are given.

I am still in shock at what just happened.

When we leave, I call my sister, Caitlin. She is 20 weeks pregnant.

Basically I call to tell her to get ready for the worst thing, the most freaking painful exam, and that I was so furious that I was not properly prepared for the amount of pain that just came into my life. AND I HAVE TO DO IT 3 MORE TIMES!

She made the good point of – “ you should have talked to the other sister before your exam”

She is right.

So I called, Ashleigh.

I can hear her little crazy world in the background. The adorable nephews, the TV …her mom life. I love it.

They could have been screaming  and her house burning down and I would have made her talk to me.

I explained the situation and the underlying fear that I didn’t know was there came out of my mouth.

“ Is this what child birth is going to be like? Am I going to be feeling that for 12 hours? I know I am feeling “pressure” with an epidural, is it THAT kind of pressure?”

My sister, who would tell me the truth, said the greatest sentence.

“No. No, its nothing like that. And if it feels like that, you make them turn up your epidural.”

Sweet words to my ears.

Sweet words to my shocked body.

The doctor did say that I was 1cm dilated, 40% effaced, and measuring further along than my due date by a few days.

I , very seriously , said to her “ I don’t want to be pregnant for 4 more weeks.”

She says lets shoot for 2 more and see where we are.

Summary: Internal exams TOTALLY SUCK. They hurt….badly. My sister’s real life advice saved me from wanting to kill everyone I came in contact with for the rest of the day…possibly the rest of my pregnancy.

Thanks sister.

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5 thoughts on “Guns Don’t Kill People, Women That Just Had Internal Exams Kill People.

  1. I love your blog…and you are welcome. Sorry I couldn’t have warned you earlier, but I forgot about the internal exams since I never made it to those with Chase….love you and can’t wait for Bethany!!!!!!!

  2. oh friend!!!! lol, i HATED the exams – but at the same time they were a HUGE relief, because all of them ended with “you’re 1cm”…”you’re 2cm”….”you’re 3cm”….point being: knowing that I was PROGRESSING was a major relief. just wait til you’re in delivery 🙂 you know i’m an open book about anything!

    • It was your mom I was talking about!!!!!
      Yes I hope next week she says, ” you are 3 cms” then the next week she says LETS HAVE A BABY TODAY!
      Don’t think for a sec I wont be texting about some new questions I have encountered in just the last 24 hours. Thanks!

  3. Hahaha. This totally cracked me up! I figured my exams like that hurt so badly because my uterus is further back than most women’s and tilted back. She’d bring tears to my eyes every time I had an exam! You sister is right about the epidural. I’m still praising Jesus for them.

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