It Will Be Nice When I Can…

As I am slowing approaching the birth of my child, I catch myself starting my thoughts with “ It will be nice when I can______”.

I never thought these things before because I was (am) all grateful being pregnant. Grateful for the miracle inside me. Grateful for getting to experience this act that God made me for.

The nostalgia has worn away.

Although still grateful…not so much as giddy. So, I am horrible. Whatever.

It will be nice when I can:

• See my feet

• Shave my legs without having to sit on the shower floor- We don’t have any ledges in the shower and I’m too wobbly to balance on one foot, so I sit on the floor. The getting up part looks a lot like new born calf taking it’s first steps.

• Paint my toe nails- I look like a rollie pollie.

• Put on my own shoes that have buckles. I will say I am truly touched every time The Hubs gets on the ground to buckle my shoes. Such a sweet sweet man .

• Not be a little afraid every time I poop (tmi?) that I might push my baby out. I really don’t feel like I need to explain this.

• Use buttons and zippers on my pants

• Not wake up in a pool of sweat every night

• Not need to sleep with a body pillow…apparently I have a husband who I used to snuggle with?!

• Get on a scale without bursting into tears- I gained a LOT of weight the last time I went to the doctor….in one week. It was really bad.

• Have a conscious about what I am putting my body…like the second round of ice cream. The one before and this one may be related. So, I am horrible. Whatever.

• Kiss the feet that are wedged under my ribcage as I type

• Go to a water park- I have been longing to go to a pool or a water park, but because I am preggo the tubes don’t fit around me. If I go over the head, I can’t really float.

• Drink a beer

• Eat sushi

• Stop being called “little momma” by everyone

• Sleep on my stomach

• Go more than 40 minutes ( I may be pushing it here) without peeing. I have been to every public restroom in Tampa Bay.

• I can lift more than 15 pounds without being scared my baby may fall out….I seriously think these things.

• Go to Subway and not have the preheat my meat. I really do enjoy a cold sandwich

• Recognize my ankles

I know all of these are petty and I sound like a major complainer.

But…..I feel ok about it.

Belly Question: What were you/are you ready to do after pregnancy?

Dear Bethany

Dear Bethany,

Hello my sweet girl. I am writing you this letter on June 15, 2012. You are scheduled to come into this world in 19 days! I cannot tell you how excited I am to have you out of my belly and in my arms.

I can’t wait to see your little face. Kiss your lips, toes, fingers, arms, legs, eyes, ears, palms, neck, belly, feet, back and any every other inch of skin you have! What will you look like? Will you have your Papa’s green eyes? Will you have my dark hair? You aren’t even here yet and you already have me melting with love.

You are still in my belly right now, but because you are getting closer to arrival your head is already down. In this position, I can see your little butt poke out. You love sitting on the left side of my tummy. Yesterday I woke up because you had the hiccups! Isn’t it funny you can have the hiccups before you even are born? It felt like a thump, thump,thump…like an adult heartbeat…not a fast baby heartbeat. Sometimes when you move around, my stomach looks like a little earthquake because you make it shake so much. As much as I can’t wait to see your face, I have loved carrying you for these last 9 months. Know that this is the only time I never had to share you with anyone. I got to hold you every second of every day. Even though your Papa will tell you I complained…I secretly loved taking care of you and not sharing you. YOU ARE ALL MINE RIGHT NOW!

Did you know that we prayed for you for many many months? We wanted a baby so badly, but the Lord wanted us to wait. When He thought it was the right time, He created you by mixing a little of Papa and me together. By the time you read this, we won’t even remember what life was like before we had a baby Bethany. And we won’t want to remember either. You have already changed our world, and once you get here…everything will change in an even greater way!

Bethany- I love you.

I love you so much. Your Papa and I will always protect you. We will always snuggle with you. We will always try to show you the “best for you”path. We will let you make mistakes. We will always pick you back up when you do fail. We will show you how the Lord forgives. We will show you how the Lord loves. We will fail miserably as parents more than once. We will be your biggest fans and your cheerleaders. Your Papa is the spiritual leader in our home and he will guide you until it is time to pass you to another man who can take care of you as well as he can.

I promise to pray for you everyday.

I promise to pray for your heart. That it will be open to the Holy Spirit and you will make the decision to love the Lord with your whole being. That you will see people through His eyes and not through the worlds. I pray that no matter where you are in your life that you never feel alone because God is living in His temple that is your soul. I pray that you abide in Him and only find rest and peace though Him.  I pray that you learn that no one…me, Papa, grandparents, friends or boys will never satisfy you  the way Jesus will.

I pray for your heart in a different way too. I pray that you will be open to love one day. I pray that you will have your heart broken once so you can appreciate the amazing love that comes when you find your husband. I am praying for your husband right now….its crazy isn’t it? I know the Lord has prepared a man for you to marry. Is he in his momma’s tummy right now too?  I pray that you will find a husband that will lead you spiritually the way that your Papa has led me. I pray for a husband that loves you for all of your little quirks. I pray for a husband that loves to hear your laughter so much he will tickle you just to hear the sound of your smile. I pray that your husband will respect you as the daughter of God you are. I also pray that you will respect your husband more than any other man in your world…even your father. I pray that you will learn that submission is not a bad word or an act that makes you weak. Don’t let the world and our culture tell you  in order to be a strong woman you must be a rule breaker and disrespectful  to both men and women (young and old) around you.

I pray that you will be smart. I pray that school will not be a hard struggle for you. I pray that you do not feel expectations from anyone else that are unreasonable or unattainable. Bethany, if school is hard for you, It’s ok..  You have MANY MANY years of school to go through and we will support you and stand by you though all of them.

I pray that your confidence does not come from the applauding of other people. That you feel confident in yourself because of your character, not because of accomplishments, trophies, grades, popularity, or titles.

I pray that you will be safe and protected. The Lord knows how many hairs you have on your head and he knows how many days you will be on this earth. I hope you have many more days than you have hair.  As a worrier I know I will battle with the “what ifs” of your future and safety. I know that I will need to give you up. I will need to come to a resting place that you are not my child forever. I am only borrowing you. You are His and His will will be done no matter what.  As scary as that is, I am praying for ME in this.  I don’t want to be a controlling mother who is so scared of the what could happens that I am too scared to live life with you.

Bethany, your whole life you will be showered with love. You will be spanked. You will be kissed. You will be grounded. You will hugged. You will disciplined. You will be spoiled. You will be the light (one of the lights) of my and Papa’s world. You will always be a princess in our eyes.

There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you more.

There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you less.

You are mine and I will always be your mother.

I will always love you,


Roughing It Up

I have been very curious about breastfeeding since I became pregnant.

I really want to do it and I really want it to work.

I have some friends who are breastfeeding champs. Then I have some friends that they just don’t produce enough milk. How do I get it to work?

My friend, Allison ( who has a super, creative, crafty blog), just had a baby less than 2 weeks ago.

She shared some useful advice on baby’s cries and what each means. She ended her email with ” Let me know if you have any questions about anything”

Well that is just a free pass to ask anything- no matter how personal.

So I did.

One thing I asked about was breastfeeding and if she prepared in anyway for it?

How do you prepare for breastfeeding you may ask, well the common answer is  roughing up your nipples.

I have had at least a handful of women tell me their roughing up prep really helped improve the sensitivity and pain of the first week of breastfeeding.

I asked my doc about this at my 34 week appointment. She said “it doesn’t matter either way, but don’t start any nipple stimulation until you are 36 weeks”

Allison’s email kicked me into action.

I only did a wash cloth with soap rub for 1 minute on each side.

OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!

It was like when you first pop a pepper in your mouth and you think, ” I mean, its a little spicy, but totally fine. I could even have another pepper” I thought I could do this every shower for a couple weeks and be good to go!

Then the second stage set in- I turned quickly and the small breeze brushed past me- and I thought WOW THAT DIDN’T FEEL TOO GOOD.

5 minutes later- I was rubbing cream on and taking 2 Tylenol.

Like a pepper- it was slow burn that eventually turns you into a whining mess.

I fear I am a total sissy.

Even this morning it was rough just having my night gown brush me.

Is this just Day 1 stuff and it will get better? Do I keep on trying it?

Roughing It Up Now vs. More Pain When I Start Teet Feeding.

Guns Don’t Kill People, Women That Just Had Internal Exams Kill People.

Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks pregnant. So amazing. I can’t believe we are only 4 weeks way from having a little Bethany in our world.

I knew going into this appointment it would be “uncomfortable” . I had a friend of mine’s mother tell me Saturday, “ OK, so you know the internal exam’s not fun. You know it doesn’t feel good, right?”  I responded with a “Oh yeah, I have heard.”

Apparently I had not heard.

I started having a little anxiety about it  on Sunday, but I keeping going back to the fact that I have MANY friends who have had exams and given birth and all survived.

So this is how it went down:

The Hubs and I went to the doctor this morning. We were scheduled to see Dr. B. She is this tall European looking woman. The Hubs has a crush on her…She has a sense of humor and is beautiful…I get it.

I am naked from the waist down.

She explains she will do cultures (like a pap smear), a Group B strep test, and test for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. At this point,  I am feeling sure I am going to pass at least 2 of the 4 test, Doc.

She says she will then do the internal exam.  I tell her I am not looking forward to it. Dr. B kinda smiles and says, “ Its not fun. But it’s not pain, just a lot of pressure. Basically you feel like I am trying to touch your tonsils from the wrong end”

Ha.    Ha.    Ha. What a jokester that Dr. B is.

Things start going down like she said

  1. Strap me in the stirrups.
  2. “You are going to feel a touch” all very pap smear like.
  3. Group B strep test- BTW…this is a swap of your butthole…I was prepared though.
  4. Now she says she is about to start the internal exam.

I knew I was in trouble when she moved to my right side so she could get a better angle.

This is how is it happened:

Dr. B “ This is going to be a lot of pressure, but not pain. Let me know if you feel pain”

Insert fingers

Insert hand

Insert wrist

Insert elbow

Me “ Ok, so it doesn’t feel good.”

Dr. B “ But it shouldn’t be painful”


I seriously have sweat on my brow at this point.

She is talking to me about the baby this whole time…but I am just now able to recall what she said through the threatening banter I had going in my head.

I will not give you a play by play of THAT conversation. Please forgive me Lord.

She leaves the room. See you next week pleasantries are given.

I am still in shock at what just happened.

When we leave, I call my sister, Caitlin. She is 20 weeks pregnant.

Basically I call to tell her to get ready for the worst thing, the most freaking painful exam, and that I was so furious that I was not properly prepared for the amount of pain that just came into my life. AND I HAVE TO DO IT 3 MORE TIMES!

She made the good point of – “ you should have talked to the other sister before your exam”

She is right.

So I called, Ashleigh.

I can hear her little crazy world in the background. The adorable nephews, the TV …her mom life. I love it.

They could have been screaming  and her house burning down and I would have made her talk to me.

I explained the situation and the underlying fear that I didn’t know was there came out of my mouth.

“ Is this what child birth is going to be like? Am I going to be feeling that for 12 hours? I know I am feeling “pressure” with an epidural, is it THAT kind of pressure?”

My sister, who would tell me the truth, said the greatest sentence.

“No. No, its nothing like that. And if it feels like that, you make them turn up your epidural.”

Sweet words to my ears.

Sweet words to my shocked body.

The doctor did say that I was 1cm dilated, 40% effaced, and measuring further along than my due date by a few days.

I , very seriously , said to her “ I don’t want to be pregnant for 4 more weeks.”

She says lets shoot for 2 more and see where we are.

Summary: Internal exams TOTALLY SUCK. They hurt….badly. My sister’s real life advice saved me from wanting to kill everyone I came in contact with for the rest of the day…possibly the rest of my pregnancy.

Thanks sister.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

I have been Googling ways to induce labor. I am not quite ready to start these, the dancing the baby into the birth canal seemed pretty hilarious…and I was right.

There are only 6 words in this song and one is not something you want your kids saying…however….she is rocking….I mean J-Lo as a fly girl…rocking.

I love a lady who loves some choreography.

You are welcome.

Pregnant Dreams

I have told you how sleeping soundly and in comfort is a thing of the past, but I haven’t told you what else is happening while I am actually unconscious.

I am dreaming and they are weird.

My re-occuring dream is that my nursery is complete. 100% Bethany, all girly with monograms and polka dots.

I bring a bag of frilly newborn onsies and a dress to bring her home in. Blankets to wrap her in with butterflies and rainbows.

And the doctor tells me I have a delivered a healthy baby boy.

Being me, I then argue with the doctor that he switched the baby inside me while I was busy getting my epidural.

Horrible/Weird dream I had just the other night- I kept trying to feed Bethany in a very full bathtub….underwater. When I would bring her up, she wouldn’t be breathing. I would then call my friend Vicki over who would look on Google how to do baby CPR.

Then I would proceed to get back in the tub with the baby to feed her. What-the-heck?

You know that feeling that you are falling and you suddenly jerk and shake the whole bed?

That leads me into my third weird preggo dream. About once every ten days I have the shaking awake dreams, but the urgency comes not because I am falling, but because I AM IN LABOR.

I keep dreaming I wake up and my water has broken and the bed is soaked or the contractions went from 0 to 10 and now the baby is coming RIGHT THIS SECOND.

It never happens once in a night, they cluster feed on me.

I usually wake up TICKED.

Belly Question: What kind of weird dreams did you have as a preggo?

Are You Scared?

I get this question almost daily? And it is always from a single guy.

It is usually accompanied with some hand gesture of where/how the baby will be coming out.

My answer, so far, has been

” I’m not scared about the delivery. I am scared about AFTER the delivery- they are just going to give me a kid to take home”

I am a major preparation person. I want to know what we are doing, when it is happening, who will be there, what to wear, possible unexpected outcomes, and a way to get out…no sooner than 5 days before the said event.

Controlling much? Yes, I know this is a problem.

Because the Hubs loves me he went to a Newborn Care class with me…And yes it was taught by this lady-

FOR THREE HOURS….the Hubs had to go to work 2 hours in…lucky.

Any way….

I am slightly terrified that we wont have any idea what we are doing once everyone leaves. I think our family thinks this is true too because we have family scheduled the entire month of July…

i kid- i kid…sorta.

I realize we will come across the ignorance and conquer it as all first time parents have, but my real fear is that I will totally flip at my lack of knowledge in caring for an infant. I mean- a complete meltdown.

So yeah, I’m scared. Not of the delivery, but the 18 years that follow.

That’s normal, right?

Belly Question: What was your fear about bring home a new baby?