For the Working Moms

I saw this posted on Facebook and it seriously moved me to tears.

My heart aches everyday when I leave Bethany, but I know the Lord has placed me here for this season.

If you are a working mom, I hope it makes you feel better. At the very least, just to know someone feels just like you do.

You are no less and no more than the mothers who get to stay home. God did not give them a pass and you a punishment. You do not need to apologize for the fact that you work. You do not need to be embarrassed.

~Lisa-Jo Baker

Grace for the working mother and her guilt

20 Ounces

Twenty ounces is an amount that haunts me though the day.

How much is twenty ounces?

• Just over 3 cups

• A medium fountain drink

• An average bottle of water

20 ounces is the magic number for Bethany to eat every day. Actually it’s the bare minimum that she should be eating. However, quite the struggle.

We have had feeding problems with this kid since week three. She has major reflux (however, not a spitter upper) and has Milk and Soy Protein Intolerance (MPSI). She is on a special formula because of the MPSI, Nutramigen. Nutramigen is horrible. It smells SO BAD and I can only imagine how it tastes. Nutramigen stopped Beth’s intestines from bleeding. Nutramigen is great.

Bethany is just about to be 7 months and our goal, on a very good day is to get 20 oz of formula in her.

That’s not much at all.

She will eat jarred food, but it doesn’t have near the calories or nutritional value as the formula.

With mix that formula with oats, rice cereal, jarred fruit, crack.

Nothing really makes her want to take it on a consistent basis. I’ve read online some mothers have put sugar in the bottles and the babies will eat it up. I swore I would never do this, but never is becoming a closer possibility.

It gets scary because some days she gets in 12 oz.

Most days we are between 17 and 20 oz.

It has gotten to the point that last week we took her to feeding therapy ( Prescribed by her Peds GI). We saw a sweet Speech Pathologist named, Rushma. So So So sweet. My prayer going in was that Rushma would see exactly what the problem was and give us techniques to fix it.

Although Rushma was amazing and she did see some sensory issues in Beth, she couldn’t diagnose her. She and the GI got together and agreed Beth needs a swallow study.

What the crap is a swallow study?

Basically it’s a video x-ray. They watch the formula go down Bethany’s throat to see if it is going down holes or up cavities its not supposed to.

We are supposed to also get an upper GI x-ray. However its impossible to do them the same day.

Fantastic.

Don’t get me wrong. Bethany has the greatest demeanor! She is all smiles when she isn’t eating. She laughs A LOT! She is growing and gaining weight. I am so thankful! She is in the 20th percentile of weight. She just hates to eat. When it’s time to eat that smile turns into screams!

I talked to the daycare a few minutes ago. Its 3 o’clock and she has had 8 oz the entire day….not a good day.

20 ounces. 20 ounces. 20 ounces. 20 ounces. 20 ounces. 20 ounces. 20 ounces.

What haunts you?

 

My 3 Mommy Must Haves

As I have entered into Mommyhood I have learned there are a few things I can’t live without.

1. Saturday Morning Snugglefest- This is when Bethany wakes up on Saturday morning, I feed her, and bring her back to The Hubs and my bed. We have snugglefest every Saturday! I’m serious that this kid will sleep another two hours between Mama and Papa.  I love it.

2. Mylanta- Bethany has severe reflux. The first 4 months of this little princess’ life was a constant scream. She goes to a pediatric GI, is on Prevacid, on and on and on. However, when nothing else cures my little screamer, I turn to Mylanta. At first it freaked me out giving my little baby adult strength Mylanta….I got over it in a hurry. It makes all the problems of the tummy go away.

3. The Poop Toothbrush– yup. There was a time that I was scrubbing poop stains out of multiple outfits every day. Armed with my “poop” labeled toothbrush, Fels-Natha bar (don’t know what this is? Trust me, you need it!), and water… No poop can stain even the daintiest of clothes!

What are your Mommy Must Haves?

Bald and Beautiful

Bethany arrived in this world with a head full of hair. I mean this kid looked like she had a cat sitting on her head.  Slowly she started balding. There was no reason in this balding. She didn’t sleep on one side; she didn’t rub her head, she wasn’t losing it in the normal patterns either. Beth was losing her hair as if someone ran a line down the center of her head and decided half should not have hair. My child looked like Harvey Dent from Batman aka Two Face.

Notice the Baldness in the mirror!

The Hubs and I agreed that this was looking ridiculous and a bow could only distract so much, so I agreed (I remember saying these words) , “ Yes, we need to trim her hair.”

The next day I received a photo of my child with her head shaved.

I remember calling my husband as if I were in a fog. Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe the photo was blurry and her hair was really there?

In the few seconds that the phone is ringing I thought, “We are struggling to make tuition this semester. The baby took no more than ten ounces of food yesterday. Why won’t this kid eat? The brakes are about to go on his car. I have to make that deadline. I hope the baby’s fever doesn’t come back at daycare today.”

My husband answers…joyfully. Poor thing has no idea the offense he has committed.

I very calmly asked him why he chose to shave her head over just snipping a couple inches with the scissors?

His answer:

“You said we could trim her hair and that’s how I trim my hair!”

Bless him.

He started sensing I wasn’t over joyed at the idea of our little girl with a shaved head. He so innocently asked if I was upset.

Of all the things that I am praying though right now (our child’s medical issues, money issues, work issues, marriage issues) Beth’s hair isn’t even in the top twenty.

“No honey, I’m not mad. This is the least of my worries.”

Maybe the real issue here is that I am worrying…all the time.  My friend, Susan, says worry follows a pattern: starting with fear, that turns to worry, that manifests into anxiety and then  that blossoms into full blown panic.

I couldn’t agree more.

Once I started telling this story to friends, family, and coworkers I realized my husband shaving our daughters head was a BIG DEAL! It led to some pretty hilarious conversations and confessions of what my friends would do to their husbands if they tried shaving their little girl’s head.

Although this is a story we will forever talk about, I hope I remember that things that seem really important (like hair) don’t compare to my family’s real priorities.

Lord please help me remember you are my priority. You control this crazy life I lead. You know my worries. Please help me lay my burdens at your feet instead of trying to fix my own situations; failing time and again. Thank you for holding me.

“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30

 

What is one thing you can make more of a priority in your life?

I Had a Baby: The Story of My Labor and Delivery

All leading up to delivery I was wondering if I would know when I was in labor? Would my water break? If so, would it be like a flood, a trickle, or would I just pee on myself ( as usual at 9 months pregnant)  and not know the difference?  Or would I need to be induced? What does that even mean? Is it just hook me up to the meds or do they actually have to break my water (eek)?

Well this is what happened:

Wednesday (June 27^th) I went for my 39 week appointment. No change. I was still the same 1.5cm dilated as I had been for three dang weeks.  I asked the doctor “ So would you be just completely shocked if I had my baby this weekend” Her response, “ I mean you’re 39 weeks pregnant….but, honestly, don’t plan your weekend around it.” Great.

They then set my next appointment for July 5^th….the DAY AFTER my due date.

I am super bummed when I leave the appointment. Mainly, I just want this kid out of me. Now…actually last week.  I am so over being pregnant.

That night we have a youth group bonfire. My first thought as I get out of the car for the bonfire is “ who has a freaking bonfire in Florida in June?” I love our youth kids, but lets be honest: I was only there for the S’mores.

We ended up having a great time and I ended up having 5 smores. I was alone for a about 10 minutes, so it may have been  closer to 10 smores. But if no one was looking, I don’t think those counted.

Anywho.

I woke up twice that night to go to the bathroom…and not my usual #1. I remember thinking that was super weird since I never do that, much less twice.

At 2:30am I get the same urge. I get to the toilet and see my panty liner is completely  wet and tinted pink. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I hear the hubs come back into the bedroom and I say “ ummmmmm. I think my water may have broken.”

His response, “ Why? Why would it do that?”

At first I think he meant to ask me why I think that my water broke. I later realize he wants to know why my water that the audacity to break at 2:30 in the morning. Love him.

I decide I have no idea what I am talking about and we should just lay in bed. If it broke contractions should follow, right?

Then, I felt a little something….alot like my urge to go poop.

What do I know? I’ve never had contractions and aren’t they supposed to be in my pelvis?

Then it happens again. The Hubs and I are starting to get excited. I call the OB office and tell the nurse I THINK I am having contractions that are 6 minutes apart…and I THINK my water broke.

After 20 minutes of my husband trying not to be a crazy person and me trying not to laugh at his shock that we are having a baby…we call my mom and head to the hospital.

Oh wait…. No, we went to McDonalds.

We pull into the drive thru and The Hubs says” I’d like a #1 with Coke and a small coke too. MY WIFE IS IN LABOR! I’m HAVING A BABY TONIGHT”

We receive “ please drive to your first window”

I get my fries and am feeling good. The Hubs puts to Goyte  Somebody That I Used To Know on. That is totally our Jam. And let me tell you, I am Jamming! Then a contraction hits…and it is not as nice as the last one.

5 minutes apart.

I put the fries down.

We get to the hospital  and I realize I look like an idiot. I have my towel wrapped around me like a diaper. While in the lobby the trickle if turned in to s flow if you will.

They get me into a L&D room. Weigh me ( I don’t look at the number). Check to see if my water is actually broken…because the flood running down my leg may be something else, right?

Contractions are starting to get a little more intense.

I had a super sweet nurse. After we get all checked in and settled, I very kindly tell her “ Just so you know, I will want an epidural. I don’t need one right now, but I WILL  want one. So could you make sure there is a doctor around for that?”

Half hour later I ask the nurse what time shift change is and she says 7:30am. I say, “ About that epidural, can you right that down or something for the next shift? Its really important.”

7:30am I am feeling the contractions. They have checked me twice and told me I am 2cm dilated. Not cool.

They give me morphine for the pain….it doesn’t phase it….at all.

8:00am T he Hubs is starving  so he runs to the cafeteria. He knows I am in major pain but at 2 cms this show isn’t happening for a while.

8:05am I ask for an epidural. I am in the worst pain of my life. It feels like something is trying to escape from my back. I thought this pain was supposed to be in my pelvis? Ohhhh this is back labor.  Ohhh it hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get the epidural, the doctor was talking the whole time about sticking the four foot needle in my back, but all I was thinking was  SHUT UP AND DO IT ALREADY!

I had to make it through two more hellish contractions and then……sweet relief.

Oh thank you Jesus.  I went from the worst pain of my life to no pain.

Three minutes later….I start feeling twinges. I mean its not pain but I am watching the monitor and I can see these twinges are contractions.  Um…..what?

I ask the nurse about this. My fear is that the meds were going to wear off in the 8 hours I probably have left in labor. I kinda panic.

She says, “ Just push the refill button and I will check your progress after I put in your catheter”

So she checks me.

Her face goes from thinking to OH CRAP.

“ You are fully dilated. You are having this baby. Um, since you can’t feel anything why don’t you take a nap?”

What? A Nap?  Lady, you just told me I was having a baby.

9:45- The doc and team come in. We start pushing. At least I think I am pushing. I can’t feel anything….ANYTHING. I can’t feel a single thing. At one point I kinda laugh and the Hubs thinks I maybe loosing it. I laughed because I think its ridiculous that I am pushing out a kid and could be sleeping right through it.

Side Note: Almost half way though the delivery the Hubs says “ So when is a good time to ask about a paternity test?” hi-larious.

The nurses looked at him like he was crazy. I laughed.

10:15- Bethany Carolyn is born with a head full of hair!

I cry with release that I am not pregnant, that my  baby is here, that she is breathing. Though my tears I tell her how much I already love her, how many prayers I have said for her and how I will always be proud of her.

I have a baby.

I am a mother.

 

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Welcome to the World

June 28,2012 at 10:15 am Bethany was born!

Week 38 Update

This week as been rough.  Let me start by giving you a quickie version of my week 37 appointment.

I had expected to progress to a 3cm dilation and my doctor tell me she would be coming any day.

Reality- I hadn’t dilated any more, I gained 5 pounds in a week and I burst into tears on the exam table.

This week I have slept even less than I usually do and have been pretty busy on top of it all.

It all came to a head yesterday.

I started feeling ill at work so I left a little early.

I knew I had to make a dish to bring to some friends and dinner for The Hubs and me.

The Hubs (who is very tired himself) offers to make dinner. I give him to choices, he gives me choices and we go in circles for about 10 minutes. The conversation ends like this:

Him: JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER

Me: I don’t want ANY of those things you mentioned.

Him: JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER

Me: I don’t want a meal. I want a buffet of cereal and waffles and yogurt and maybe a ham and cheese sandwich!

Him: Silence…You are really crazy. Like an actual crazy person.

Me: I AM GOING TO NEGOTIATE LIKE A TERRORIST TOMORROW FOR THEM TO GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME.I WANT TO BE INDUCED ON MONDAY!!!!!

He tells me to go to bed and sleep and we will talk about dinner when I wake up…This man really knows me because I believe the all the world’s problems can be solved after a nap.

Seeing I really need sleep, The Hubs sleeps on the couch and I get the whole bed to myself last night. This led to a semi full nights rest and me only getting up 3 times….this is remarkable.

I am less crazy today and was able to think a little more clearly.

I have been pumping myself up for all week for the appointment this morning. Psyching myself up that no changes in dilation or any other possible progression changes ( to avoid last week’s tears).

Sure enough, it helped.

I have no more dilation and am 60% effaced.

She said until my contractions come with more frequency not to get my hopes up at all that she will come early.

She also told me Bethany was in the 7 pound range and she will probably arrive in the 8 pound range. She said was very sure she was not already 10 pounds…thanks doc.

This Doc was the only one I had not met yet and I 100% loved her. She really eased my anxiety and I enjoyed my appointment.

A little fact she told me that may help me not become as crazy in the next two weeks:

First time moms that are induced between weeks 38-40 have a 43% C-section rate.

I REALLY don’t want a C-section. So I am standing firm on no induction until I am 40 weeks.

I will have no self-control past that point and may return to terrorist negotiations.

It Will Be Nice When I Can…

As I am slowing approaching the birth of my child, I catch myself starting my thoughts with “ It will be nice when I can______”.

I never thought these things before because I was (am) all grateful being pregnant. Grateful for the miracle inside me. Grateful for getting to experience this act that God made me for.

The nostalgia has worn away.

Although still grateful…not so much as giddy. So, I am horrible. Whatever.

It will be nice when I can:

• See my feet

• Shave my legs without having to sit on the shower floor- We don’t have any ledges in the shower and I’m too wobbly to balance on one foot, so I sit on the floor. The getting up part looks a lot like new born calf taking it’s first steps.

• Paint my toe nails- I look like a rollie pollie.

• Put on my own shoes that have buckles. I will say I am truly touched every time The Hubs gets on the ground to buckle my shoes. Such a sweet sweet man .

• Not be a little afraid every time I poop (tmi?) that I might push my baby out. I really don’t feel like I need to explain this.

• Use buttons and zippers on my pants

• Not wake up in a pool of sweat every night

• Not need to sleep with a body pillow…apparently I have a husband who I used to snuggle with?!

• Get on a scale without bursting into tears- I gained a LOT of weight the last time I went to the doctor….in one week. It was really bad.

• Have a conscious about what I am putting my body…like the second round of ice cream. The one before and this one may be related. So, I am horrible. Whatever.

• Kiss the feet that are wedged under my ribcage as I type

• Go to a water park- I have been longing to go to a pool or a water park, but because I am preggo the tubes don’t fit around me. If I go over the head, I can’t really float.

• Drink a beer

• Eat sushi

• Stop being called “little momma” by everyone

• Sleep on my stomach

• Go more than 40 minutes ( I may be pushing it here) without peeing. I have been to every public restroom in Tampa Bay.

• I can lift more than 15 pounds without being scared my baby may fall out….I seriously think these things.

• Go to Subway and not have the preheat my meat. I really do enjoy a cold sandwich

• Recognize my ankles

I know all of these are petty and I sound like a major complainer.

But…..I feel ok about it.

Belly Question: What were you/are you ready to do after pregnancy?

Dear Bethany

Dear Bethany,

Hello my sweet girl. I am writing you this letter on June 15, 2012. You are scheduled to come into this world in 19 days! I cannot tell you how excited I am to have you out of my belly and in my arms.

I can’t wait to see your little face. Kiss your lips, toes, fingers, arms, legs, eyes, ears, palms, neck, belly, feet, back and any every other inch of skin you have! What will you look like? Will you have your Papa’s green eyes? Will you have my dark hair? You aren’t even here yet and you already have me melting with love.

You are still in my belly right now, but because you are getting closer to arrival your head is already down. In this position, I can see your little butt poke out. You love sitting on the left side of my tummy. Yesterday I woke up because you had the hiccups! Isn’t it funny you can have the hiccups before you even are born? It felt like a thump, thump,thump…like an adult heartbeat…not a fast baby heartbeat. Sometimes when you move around, my stomach looks like a little earthquake because you make it shake so much. As much as I can’t wait to see your face, I have loved carrying you for these last 9 months. Know that this is the only time I never had to share you with anyone. I got to hold you every second of every day. Even though your Papa will tell you I complained…I secretly loved taking care of you and not sharing you. YOU ARE ALL MINE RIGHT NOW!

Did you know that we prayed for you for many many months? We wanted a baby so badly, but the Lord wanted us to wait. When He thought it was the right time, He created you by mixing a little of Papa and me together. By the time you read this, we won’t even remember what life was like before we had a baby Bethany. And we won’t want to remember either. You have already changed our world, and once you get here…everything will change in an even greater way!

Bethany- I love you.

I love you so much. Your Papa and I will always protect you. We will always snuggle with you. We will always try to show you the “best for you”path. We will let you make mistakes. We will always pick you back up when you do fail. We will show you how the Lord forgives. We will show you how the Lord loves. We will fail miserably as parents more than once. We will be your biggest fans and your cheerleaders. Your Papa is the spiritual leader in our home and he will guide you until it is time to pass you to another man who can take care of you as well as he can.

I promise to pray for you everyday.

I promise to pray for your heart. That it will be open to the Holy Spirit and you will make the decision to love the Lord with your whole being. That you will see people through His eyes and not through the worlds. I pray that no matter where you are in your life that you never feel alone because God is living in His temple that is your soul. I pray that you abide in Him and only find rest and peace though Him.  I pray that you learn that no one…me, Papa, grandparents, friends or boys will never satisfy you  the way Jesus will.

I pray for your heart in a different way too. I pray that you will be open to love one day. I pray that you will have your heart broken once so you can appreciate the amazing love that comes when you find your husband. I am praying for your husband right now….its crazy isn’t it? I know the Lord has prepared a man for you to marry. Is he in his momma’s tummy right now too?  I pray that you will find a husband that will lead you spiritually the way that your Papa has led me. I pray for a husband that loves you for all of your little quirks. I pray for a husband that loves to hear your laughter so much he will tickle you just to hear the sound of your smile. I pray that your husband will respect you as the daughter of God you are. I also pray that you will respect your husband more than any other man in your world…even your father. I pray that you will learn that submission is not a bad word or an act that makes you weak. Don’t let the world and our culture tell you  in order to be a strong woman you must be a rule breaker and disrespectful  to both men and women (young and old) around you.

I pray that you will be smart. I pray that school will not be a hard struggle for you. I pray that you do not feel expectations from anyone else that are unreasonable or unattainable. Bethany, if school is hard for you, It’s ok..  You have MANY MANY years of school to go through and we will support you and stand by you though all of them.

I pray that your confidence does not come from the applauding of other people. That you feel confident in yourself because of your character, not because of accomplishments, trophies, grades, popularity, or titles.

I pray that you will be safe and protected. The Lord knows how many hairs you have on your head and he knows how many days you will be on this earth. I hope you have many more days than you have hair.  As a worrier I know I will battle with the “what ifs” of your future and safety. I know that I will need to give you up. I will need to come to a resting place that you are not my child forever. I am only borrowing you. You are His and His will will be done no matter what.  As scary as that is, I am praying for ME in this.  I don’t want to be a controlling mother who is so scared of the what could happens that I am too scared to live life with you.

Bethany, your whole life you will be showered with love. You will be spanked. You will be kissed. You will be grounded. You will hugged. You will disciplined. You will be spoiled. You will be the light (one of the lights) of my and Papa’s world. You will always be a princess in our eyes.

There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you more.

There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you less.

You are mine and I will always be your mother.

I will always love you,

Momma

Roughing It Up

I have been very curious about breastfeeding since I became pregnant.

I really want to do it and I really want it to work.

I have some friends who are breastfeeding champs. Then I have some friends that they just don’t produce enough milk. How do I get it to work?

My friend, Allison ( who has a super, creative, crafty blog), just had a baby less than 2 weeks ago.

She shared some useful advice on baby’s cries and what each means. She ended her email with ” Let me know if you have any questions about anything”

Well that is just a free pass to ask anything- no matter how personal.

So I did.

One thing I asked about was breastfeeding and if she prepared in anyway for it?

How do you prepare for breastfeeding you may ask, well the common answer is  roughing up your nipples.

I have had at least a handful of women tell me their roughing up prep really helped improve the sensitivity and pain of the first week of breastfeeding.

I asked my doc about this at my 34 week appointment. She said “it doesn’t matter either way, but don’t start any nipple stimulation until you are 36 weeks”

Allison’s email kicked me into action.

I only did a wash cloth with soap rub for 1 minute on each side.

OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!

It was like when you first pop a pepper in your mouth and you think, ” I mean, its a little spicy, but totally fine. I could even have another pepper” I thought I could do this every shower for a couple weeks and be good to go!

Then the second stage set in- I turned quickly and the small breeze brushed past me- and I thought WOW THAT DIDN’T FEEL TOO GOOD.

5 minutes later- I was rubbing cream on and taking 2 Tylenol.

Like a pepper- it was slow burn that eventually turns you into a whining mess.

I fear I am a total sissy.

Even this morning it was rough just having my night gown brush me.

Is this just Day 1 stuff and it will get better? Do I keep on trying it?

Roughing It Up Now vs. More Pain When I Start Teet Feeding.